Abscissa’s Page

Anyone stupid enough to design an interface where the “Close” button minimizes to the system tray instead of closing, deserves to be fired and then restricted to never being allowed to do anything other than cleaning toilets. That’s really all there is to say about it.

UPDATE (4/24/08): A quote:

“If you use option from File>Close then it is supposed to minimize Skype on system Tray.” 

- Andre: Skype Support

How is it possible that anyone could be that stupid (not to mention inarticulate) and still be allowed to work?

This pretty much encapsulates exactly what is wrong with the field of Human Resources:

“I don’t know anything about programming, but I’m very good at identifying people who are good at it.”

That is a real quote. I was actually told that by a recruiter I met with a few months ago. Needless to say, I never called them back.

The saying “It takes one to know one” isn’t just a generic insult. It’s the honest truth when it comes to identifying skill. HR people should just stick to payroll (Or then again, maybe leave that to the real accountants).

As long as I’m ranting about HR, here’s a classic excerpt from “Joel on Software” that I couldn’t have worded any better:

“The recruiters-who-use-grep, by the way, are ridiculed here, and for good reason. I have never met anyone who can do Scheme, Haskell, and C pointers who can’t pick up Java in two days, and create better Java code than people with five years of experience in Java, but try explaining that to the average HR drone.”
- The Perils of JavaSchools: Joel on Software: Joel Spolsky

Hearing mantras like “Share the road” or “Bicycles belong off of the sidewalks” makes me cringe.

Which is worse: a pedestrian getting hit by a bike or a bicyclist getting hit by a car? Let’s think about it…

When a pedestrian gets hit by a bike: He gets scraped and bruised. When a bicyclist gets hit by a car: He gets dead. Which is worse: Bruised or dead?

“Oh, but wait! What if that pedestrian has a baby in a stroller?! What do you think happens to that baby?!”

What happens to that baby if it’s sitting in a baby seat on a bike when that bike gets hit by a car?

“Silly idiot! There aren’t any baby seats for bicycles!”

Sure there are. I used to ride in one when I was little. And yes, I had a helmet.

So bottom line: Don’t be an idiot, bike on the sidewalk (At least when you’re on a road where the city actually bothered to put a sidewalk in. And the sidewalk isn’t hidden under a foot of snow. But that’s a whole other rant.)

“Let me get this straight… You think bicycles should stay on sidewalks (when available) just because some bicyclists might have a baby with them?”

No, you idiot. As I’ve already told you, and you’ve already forgotten: bikes should stay on the sidewalk (when available) because a car is far more dangerous to a bicyclist than a bike is to a pedestrian. The baby seat stuff was a rebuttal to the baby stroller argument.

“Ha ha, you said ‘rebuttal’.”

Yes. Yes I did.

If you’re thinking of going to college and you don’t financially have a free ride, then DON’T, you stupid motherfucker. It’s ruined me, and it’ll ruin you.

Anyone who tells you you need college is lying dumbshit ass. If you come across anyone like that, do the world a favor and beat the fuck out of the stupid motherfucker instead of being retarded enough to listen to them like I did.

“Stay in school”: It’s fucking bullshit propaganda spread by greedy banks and schools.

Anyone who says most jobs require a degree is a liar: Most jobs say “or equivalent experience“, which is far cheaper and faster to get. (Shit, have you SEEN the blatant incompetence of the average Computer Science graduate?)

Let me put it another way: Do YOU honestly think you’ll be able to pay US$750/month for ten to twenty years JUST on loan repayments alone starting only six months after leaving school? I sure as shit can’t. But do you think the motherfucking suits at the bank give a crap? Fuck no. Those motherfuckers would rather bleed me dry, leave me for dead, and move on to their next batch of freshman victims.

At this point, I would have no problem going into default and never using credit again, just to spite those fucks. But the only way I could get the loans (loans that were the only way I could afford college) involved having my parents cosign, and they just don’t deserve to be dragged into same boat as me.

So don’t make the same mistake I made: STAY THE FUCK OUT OF SCHOOL.

(I normally say a lot of things tongue-in-cheek. This is NOT one of them.)

Alright, pop quiz time for all you fast food clerks out there:

1. Someone is standing ten feet back away from the counter and staring at the menu.

Question: Are they ready to order?

2. Someone placed their order and didn’t say “I want a combo.”

Question: Do they want a combo?

If you answered “yes” to either: It’s clear why you’re still stuck in the fast food world.

If you answered “no” to both: Don’t hesitate to apply for that real job you’ve been wanting. You’re clearly ahead of the game already.

To demonstrate I’m not just a clerk-hater, but rather an equal opportunity idiot-hater, here’s a brain-twister for the customers:

You walk into Wendy’s instead of McDonald’s.

Question: Do they have anything named “Chicken McNuggets”? Explain why or why not.

Hint: “Chicken McNuggets”.

Why do people insist on stating the obvious?

3:30 pm: I call the local auto shop to find out if it’s too late, or if they’re too busy, for me to get an oil change.

Me: “How late are you open today?”
Auto Shop: “Until 6 o’clock.”
Me: “Would you be able to get me in for an oil change today?”
Auto Shop: “Not at 6.”

What? They can’t fit me in if I arrive right when they close? No shit.

(This will probably piss off a lot of people. *shrug* So be it…)

I hear they put rat poison in cigarettes. It obviously isn’t enough.

So, I saw a bottle of “Dove”, some “TRESemme” (yes, with quadruple capitalization), “Head and Shoulders”, a bunch of fruit salads, and even some bottled rays of sunshine (how in the world did they manage that?). All I wanted was shampoo.

Upon inspection of the fine print, I discovered that some of the bottled “Aussie”, “Dial”, and so on doubled as shampoo. But these were no ordinary shampoos. These were “Shampoo for oily hair”, “Shampoo for damaged and color treated hair”, and other such variations. Umm, ok, so what kind of hair was mine? “Dirty hair” as far as I could recall. That’s why I wanted shampoo in the first place, right? No such luck. I couldn’t find the “Shampoo for dirty hair”. So I picked one at random and crossed my fingers it wouldn’t tear my head clear off.

What does it take to get commodity manufacturers to finally realize they’re making just that: commodities? Give me saran wrap, give me toilet paper, give me shampoo. I don’t give a crap what your brand is.

Back on the topic of shampoo for a moment: What do you think happens when you rub fruit, vegetables, honey, and vanilla into your hair? That’s right, it gets dirty.

So why should cramming all of that food into a shampoo make me want to buy it? Just because those things are “all-natural”? Really? Well, you know what else is all-natural? Poison ivy, E coli, cobra venom and lava. Would you want to eat a poison ivy salad with E coli dressing, inject yourself with cobra venom and wash your hair with lava? If so, well then hurry up and help improve the gene pool. “All-natural” doesn’t mean anything.

Alright, back to the marketing of commodities. Why do the marketers behind hygiene-related products insist on treating their market like a Barbie vs. GI Joe matter? I’m no longer a toddler. I’ve grown up. So listen up Gillette: I don’t need industrial jet-engine themes to be enticed into buying razors and shaving cream. Nor do all girls and women fall head over heels for flowery stuff. Ever hear of a tomboy? Apparently not.

As if jet-themes weren’t insulting enough, I certainly don’t need blatant “For Men” soap. Am I really supposed to be stupid enough to think having a dick necessitates a different type of face wash?

Which brings me to the Axe/Edge products: the Maxim/FHM/SpikeTV/G4 of the commodity world. This will probably come as a surprise to many people, but as a guy, I find the antics of these companies downright insulting. How stupid and primordial do they think I am? It’s as if their marketing is run by a group of feminazis attempting to appeal to the serial rapist that supposedly exists in every man.

And don’t even get me started on the “stupid childish messy beer-chugging football-obsessed caveman-like husband of a clean intelligent organized level-headed wife” cliche that’s so prevalent in commercials and (usually lame) sitcoms. Yes, I know there are plenty of people like that out there, but let’s be sensible: there are also a lot who aren’t. And here I thought sexism and stereotyping had become passe four decades ago.

Speaking of prejudice, don’t get me started on that nutjob who thinks Resident Evil 5 is racist. Seriously, don’t.

What makes those dumbasses think they need to know things like my gender in order to post a movie review? What a bunch of morons.

Filed under the category of “Things I’ve been saying all along, but no one’s been willing to believe”:

“Young people have extraordinary potential that is often not expressed because teens are infantilized and isolated from adults.”
- Scientific American Reports, June 2007, page 73

“Laws restricting the behavior of young people (under age 18) have grown rapidly in the past century…U.S. teens have 10 times as many restrictions as adults, twice as many as active-duty U.S. Marines and twice as many as incarcerated felons.”
- Scientific American Reports, June 2007, page 72